As Long As You're Mine
by Kathey27
Summary: Because he should have known that tasting her lips would leave her engrained into his skin. / Or, When Lisa finds the picture the question asked is if that's his mother. He looks down at blonde and smirk and blue and butch and can't answer. He thinks he should have hidden the picture better but it wouldn't have mattered. She always found him.


**A/N: This came to me while I was looking for a comb so…yeah…**

**Did anyone else's heart break at the premiere? Anyone? I wasn't the only one right?**

**Disclaimer: *loud groan* If I owned anything I'd be making Jensen take his shirt off everyday and Misha say "assbutt" every chance I could get.**

**xxxxxx**

**as long as you're mine:**

When Lisa finds the picture the question asked is if that's his mother.

He looks down at blonde and smirk and blue and butch and can't answer.

He thinks he should have hidden the picture better but it wouldn't have mattered. She always found him.

(_Come on stay put woman, it'll be fun._

_For who?_

_Me, duh! I can have a picture of you for when I jack off now._

_Lovely Dean, just lovely_).

xxxxxx

When he kisses Lisa it's blonde he sees. The first time it happens he flinches back, horrified and just that much scared.

(She wasn't supposed to steal his breath).

Lisa asks what's wrong because Lisa's pretty and kind and patient and perfect. (She was beautiful and hard and loud and awful). He doesn't respond because if he opens his lips it'll be her name he speaks.

(_Hey…was that always your name?_

_What do you mean?_

_Did you have another? I mean, before?_

…_I…I don't remember._

…_Well that's alright. You're still the same to me._

_Oh yeah, and what's that?_

_Oh darlin' you don't want an answer to that)._

xxxxxx

When he touches Lisa it's pale he sees. It's been four months and the nightmares have gone away long enough for them to enjoy the night. But then another type of nightmare begins and in place of tan and soft he sees pale and smooth.

Lisa kisses his neck and he flinches because it's the collarbones that really get to him and Lisa doesn't know that.

(She'd end and start every time with a whisper of a kiss to his left collarbone).

(_What is with you and these things?_

…_I like them. They're…they're beautiful._

_So if you kiss them can I kiss –?_

_No._

…_Spoilsport_).

xxxxxx

When he holds Lisa's hand it's darkness he sees. He holds down a sob because Lisa was supposed to be light and happiness and all that was good with the world. Instead he sees dark and pain and all that'd he'd ever done wrong.

(Except it **wasn't **wrong. It was fast and hard and bliss and feelings that were felt only there and nowhere else. He'd been the one to taint it).

(_I'm pretty, right? I mean, what do you see when you look at me? Do you see this body or…_

_I see you._

…_Good answer…by the way, this body? Not real._

_What the…_

_It's a manifestation of the one I used to have. I hadn't even known I was blonde when I got out._

_How did you…_

_It's called witchcraft, shortbus)._

xxxxxx

When Lisa asks who Ruby is he sees blue instead of brown when their eyes lock.

(Her eyes had been so blue and bright and full of light that he was always able to forget for an hour or two that her true color was black).

Lisa tells him he'd been whispering the name in the dead of the night and if there was anything he wants to confess.

He smiles that broken, Dean Winchester smile and says that it's no one.

(Lie. She's **everyone**. Every blonde he passes, very shade of blue he sees, every twisted laugh he hears.

She's everything…**was **everything).

(_Would you keep me?_

_Ruby…_

_If you could I mean. If we had more time._

_Sweetheart, I'd marry you right now and give you all the world_).

xxxxxx

When Lisa's mouth brushes against his ear he hears cinnamon.

Not smells, hears. He hears the swirl and the twinge and the sour and the bitterness and the air of autumn that she'd always held.

(He asks her why she smells like she does. She tells him she bathes in pounds of it and then laughs when he goes out and brings in cinnamon bag after cinnamon bag. They bathe together and end up eating what they don't use).

He asks Lisa what soap's in the bathroom and when Lisa says strawberries his soul shivers inside him.

(She wasn't supposed to steal his heart).

(_Is that what I really smell like? Seriously?_

_If it helps, I don't smell it exactly. It's more of a feeling I get. I can…I hear it._

_You…hear it?_

_Yeah, it's…forget it, it's stupid._

_Yeah. It is. But sweet. Stupidly sweet_).

xxxxxx

When he takes Ben to soccer practice and watches as the boy he wished was his but never will be scores a goal he sees a little blonde boy with hazel eyes.

Ben asks if he's okay and he nods.

It would have come out as demon spawn anyways.

(And he would have loved it all the same).

(_You want kids huh?_

_Only if they get your hair, sugar._

_Long as they've got your eyes_).

xxxxxx

When Lisa orders him fries with his burgers he sees slender, nail polish free fingers grabbing and munching.

(She'd tried black nail polish once and he'd shaken his head).

Lisa's fingernails are painted a pale red.

He eats the fries and swallows the cardboard slowly.

(_Nah woman, black doesn't suit you._

_But it's what I am inside._

…_Not when I'm looking at you_

_What do you see then?_

_White. Pure, plain white. It's actually quiet beautiful_).

xxxxxx

When he goes out for drinks with Sid he ignores the women that hit on him.

_Lisa must be something_. Sid says.

He nods and sips on his beer.

(_You keep your eyes on me…why?_

_Where else would I want to look?_

_You trying to tell me something Winchester?_

_Only if you can handle it_).

xxxxxx

When Sam returns from the Cage Lisa asks who Ruby is and the look his brother gives him isn't as much betrayed, as it is sad.

_You could have told me. She broke me too. _Sam says.

(But she **didn't **break him. She'd stitched him back up and sealed it all with a bloody kiss).

(_Aren't you afraid I'm damning you?_

_I'm already gone._

_Not Hell. There's a difference between Hell and damnation._

_As long as you're there with me, I'll take damned._

_Oh yeah, why?_

_Because you'll just fix me right back up again_).

xxxxxx

When Sam confronts him he doesn't hear the words.

(He remembers when he'd confronted her after he'd come back and she'd had no words of use for him).

(_Why are you doing this? The blood...Sam…_

_Don't Dean. You broke it. You left me. Don't pretend to understand what you never will._

_Then help me to understand._

_I'm not yours anymore. I don't have to do anything._

…_What happened to you?_

…_Hell…again._

_I can fix it. We can…just, please._

_I can't._)

xxxxxx

When he meets Samuel and the others he's floating on air.

He can see their lips moving but no sound reaches his ears.

He hadn't been listening for a while now. He'd only heard half of the words spoken to him that year with Lisa and Ben and Sam could only make faces.

(He always listened to the words coming out of her mouth. They'd kept him sane).

(_Do you remember what I tell you?_

_Damn right._

_What's my favorite color?_

_You don't have one, but if anyone asks you'll say yellow._

_Food?_

_You'll say fries but you don't have._

_Position?_

Laugh._ Sweetheart everything I do._

…_You pass_).

xxxxxx

When Cas comes back and the angel says all his cries for the abomination that'd started it all were heard he sees demon instead of angel.

(He'd once asked her if there were others who remembered and she'd laughed).

(_Is that a yes?_

_Oh Dean, we're everywhere_).

xxxxxx

When Sam asks why it finished he looks away because if he holds the gaze the memories will come back and he was never good with those.

(He stopped trying to erase them a long time ago though because he'd discovered it hurt more not to know than it did to remember).

(_Ruby please, there has to be another way._

_Damn it Dean, Sam has to. I'm not going to lose you!_

_No. Not Sam. Not at the cost of his humanity._

_What humanity? That was gone the moment Azazel marked him as his._

Slap.

_Don't…just don't say that about Sam._

_So that's it then? Sam over you?_

_No. Sam over us._

Silence.

_You knew Ruby. You knew it would always be him in the end._

…_Yeah…I'd just been hoping I might be enough._

…_You're a demon, you could never be enough_).

xxxxxx

When Lisa breaks it off and he asks why the look he receives is enough.

_I can never be her. Ruby._ Lisa speaks.

_I wasn't aware I was asking you to be._

Lisa smiles sadly. _And that's the problem._

(She wasn't supposed to steal his love).

(_How long will you love me for? Will you love me when the war's over and there's no place left for me? Will you still love me enough to tell Sam?_

_Ruby, I'll love you until the end of time if you'll let me. We'll tell Sam and he'll cry because he's a girl and you guys can plan the wedding while me and Bobby take care of the beer._

_So, you will keep me?_

_Where else would I want you to go?_

_You trying to tell me you love me Dean Winchester?_

_Depends on your answer._

…_I love you too._

_I knew it._

_Shut up._

_Long as you love me._

_Long as you're mine_).


End file.
